Public Spider Announcement

In the interests of fairness, first time trespassers into my house will be escorted outside. Subsequent visits will result in the immediate termination of your life. Any trespassers larger than my hand will be shot on sight. I accept no responsibility for any defence-based aggression I display upon meeting first-time offenders, like that little prick who ran at me like attila the hun this morning. My condolences to his family- he should have known better than to ambush me in my underpants.

His obliterated carcus is available for viewing on the back deck. Please retrieve the rest of his legs from my bedroom floor as I have grown tired of dodging around them. You’ll find them slightly to the left of the smears of bodily fluids he excreted upon impact. I will leave a very small bucket and eight tiny sponges for your convenience. I appreciate that with eight legs your dexterity must be through the roof so this will not be a major imposition on your time. Please attend to this small favour immediately as I fear my cat will discover the remains very soon. She has some thoroughly disenchanting habits and I’m not proud to admit that eating most things that fit in her mouth is one of them. I imagine this could be distressing for you if you arrive on the scene later than she does. It also adds the possibility that she will be lying in wait for you when you arrive to collect your friend.

Hopefully I won’t be around as I may not recognise your presence as helpful and you may find your own mortality approaching rather more swiftly than you predicted. I assure you that I, more than any arachnid, do not wish to see any more bodies added to the carnage. Your discretion is appreciated.

Regards,
Genevieve